tough go.

i think that this past week was the hardest week i have had in my entire life...

since i gave my heart back to God, and decided to pursue Him with everything, i have experienced SO much...but i have also struggled with one thing...my reliance on human relationships, and my LACK of trust in God. i have built years upon years of broken relationships, trying to reach that intimacy and fullness, that ultimately i can only get through Jesus...i have based my identity on others, instead of finding my identity in Christ.

for so long i have been praying that God would uproot this and fill that place in my heart with Him and only Him...but when it comes down to actually letting Him do that in His way, and His timing, i have always gotten impatient, stubborn, and taken things into my own hands...and of course this ends with another problem...

i will admit it...i am a runner. i am queen of covering up a problem with another BIGGER one...i am the first to jump at the easy way out...and anything that makes it FEEL like its gone away has always been good enough for me...but being here, i am seeing the layers upon layers of walls i have built on the WRONG foundation.

i have been praying for God to really start to work on me...and i truly desire that. but sometimes i forget that God does answer prayer, and that He does give us what we want when it is in accordance with His will...

last week i was on my knees before God, surrendering everything i am, asking Him to completely transform me, and change me for His glory...and i think that was the first time that i have actually prayed for this change, and let my guard down for the Holy Spirit to start His work.

and He has started...in a slow and subtle way that sometimes feels way too harsh and fast, but it's not and MAN! God has some serious patience with me...

so. needless to say, its been a rough week...for the first time i have recognized that i have given it to Him fully, and that He's asking me to do nothing but wait on Him and trust Him to follow through and complete the work He has started. i have been struggling A LOT with my SELF trying to take over, and push the Holy Spirit out...but i have awesome supportive friends here that keep filling my heart with scripture and encouragement...and that has kept me hangin on!

the devil is trying to use this time to get his foot in the door and tell me that i can't get through this, that i am not worth it to God, and that i won't be free, but i am coming against him with the promises of God for me and staying strong...

please keep me in your prayers though...cuz this is pretty much the biggest thing i have ever dealt with, and even though i know that it's already His and He has already freed me, its hard to keep it up sometimes ...ya know? :)