all of your heart...

so i ran into an old friend the other day, and our conversation left me with a lot on my mind...

we had been catching up on what was new in our lives, and for the most part it was a light conversation...
when i mentioned to him what my plans were and the importance of being where God wanted me, the conversation seemed to take a pretty drastic turn. some harsh words were his retaliation, mostly about how God was just all in my head and that i was going to be very disappointed and "screwed" when i come to realize this...

he went on to tell me that he would rather go to hell and have his friends then give up what he had for some made up God...(firstly implying that i had ditched my old friends, and didn't care about them anymore, and secondly stating again that my God was some fictional being that i had conjured up in my mind.)
when he said this, i felt a pain in my heart...since giving my heart back to God i have struggled with worrying what my friends really feel about me, especially since i have removed myself from many of the things i used to be so involved in. the distance between myself and many of my friends has been really difficult.

i left this conversation pretty rattled, and with a heavy heart. but no sooner had i turned away from my computer, did the Holy Spirit start to speak to me about what was just said.

it's not to say that i no longer care about my friends and their lives, they are on my heart a lot and i pray for them often...it is to say that i have come to a place where i have experienced something so REAL, something that surpasses all that i've known, that i am willing to let go of friends, family, and everything i love in order to hold on to it.

i was thinking about what my friend had said about God not being real...and i can honestly say that at many points in my past, i felt the same way...

even though i was brought up in a home that strongly supported my belief and relationship with God, i made some serious choices to seek something outside of Him. there was always this question in my heart, and this rebellious feeling that even if God was real, there must still be some other way to find happiness apart from Him.
so i went out to find it.
i filled my life with the things that i felt would bring me happiness, seeking that one true fulfillment...
friendships, relationships, social status, a closet full of clothes, a good job, money, a better me...and even at the height of those times, when i could say i was my "happiest" there was still an unsettled feeling, an emptiness. there was always this longing inside of me that i was struggling to deny, push aside, run from.

it got to a point that i could not even sit still for a minute. anytime things were silent i was haunted by this feeling. it was unexplainable, it was subtle at times, but it was there, and VERY real. i always needed music, or my phone, or television, or anything to take my mind off of this feeling. i couldn't stop...and the only time i did was when i was rendered unable to move because i was too hung over, or so worn out that i was sick. still, my solution to that was either a stack of movies to keep my time, or a bottle of pills to help me sleep it away...

i know that this kind of sounds extreme...and some might wonder if it really was this bad. the fact is, it was subtle. so subtle that i didn't even realize that this was happening. i wasn't intentionally trying to hide from this feeling...
i was out having "fun", living the life i wanted, doing the things that made me "happy".
only now can i look back and realize how much i tried to fill myself and my life with fading happiness...

and that's when the Lord really began to pursue me. i ran out of options. i had tried everything, and nothing truly worked. when i told myself that i was happy, i was lying.
God knew my heart. He created it so He knows everything it does. He knew my longing, and He knew that He was the only answer to my questions. He was the only happiness that would last.

the world had filled me up. but i was empty.

i finally came to a place of surrender to the Lord. i was frustrated and unsure, and i remember praying "God i don't even know. i don't know what to do. but i've tried everything else and nothing helps. i'm a complete mess, and i need You. i don't even know how i need You, but i know i need You. "

as soon as i did that, there was a newness in my life. instead of feeling like i was at the end, i felt like this was the beginning. even though all of my troubles didn't go away instantly, i felt like there was hope, and that something real, AT LAST, had transacted in my heart.

even after i had surrendered myself to the Lord, there were walls and areas of my life that i kept from Him. for months i was torn between who i KNEW i was made to be, and the things i had given in to all my life. i tried so hard to pursue God, but i tried with ALL my might to hold on to the comforts and habits that i had built in my own strength.

not until i actually went on my dts (discipleship training school, Youth With a Mission) did i come to a place where i was willing to surrender my absolute everything, and pursue God with all of my heart....
and that's when true change took place.
that's when healing began.
happiness was lasting.
restoration was entire.
my joy was full.
my heart experienced true freedom.
i was truly becoming all that i was created for.

God has been nothing but faithful to me since then. and looking back over my life, even when i denied Him, and tried everything to push Him away, He was still faithful.
and He was always there. waiting. never pushing me into making that decision. never busting in and making Himself a forced presence.
but He was always there. patient. waiting.

He saw me through everything. His heart broke for me. He saw me cry and He wept when i was hurting, longing to wrap His arms around me, to comfort me, to heal me.
but He waited. He waited until i asked Him. until i asked Him with all of my heart.

that's the thing about God. He will wait. He is not one to force Himself on you and make you believe. He's not one to blast you with the truth of His existence, or your need for Him in your life. He will wait.

He is faithful. His promises prove true. and He promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him...IF we seek Him with all of our heart.
that's the catch. (if you can call it that)
it's not about rules or regulations. it's not who you are, how good you are, or what you've done to deserve or not deserve His love.

it's all of your heart. that's what He wants. and He will wait until your willing to give it to Him.

the sad thing is that the world is full of unfaithfulness. everywhere we turn people are lying to us, cheating us, and telling us how unworthy of love we are.
we have come to depend on fleeting things as faithful, only to be disappointed time after time.
so how do we trust with all of our hearts?
how do we give ourselves over to God when all we have seen in our lives is unfaithfulness?
it's a choice. and sometimes it means going against everything we can feel and see. but the truth of it is, the things that we run to that we can feel and see and rationalize and control...aren't the answer.

only God is.

and i can without a doubt put my life on it to say that He has NEVER been unfaithful. He has NEVER lied. He will NEVER let you down.

...and i have to admit, even though i know this, there are times when i face a crisis, and i immediately run to all of the things i have built up in my mind that will solve the problem. i try EVERYTHING under the sun to find a solution...and i exhaust myself. and it's then, when i feel like i've spent all my energy and i can't do it anymore, i feel a little nudge.
my heart finds hope.
i give it to the Lord. and only when i do that, and not a second sooner, do i feel a peace that is beyond anything i can understand. i know that whatever it is a face, whatever my struggle, there is a God who loves me and knows me, and can see WAY outside my little bubbled perspective. and His plans are to prosper me.
His plans are to bring me into fulness and life.
He is the only One who can give me purpose, and bring out the true heart that was created in me.

so. if you don't know that Lord, or you've have been struggling your way through trying to figure out a relationship with Him. i want to encourage you to let go of the things you've been holding on to. whatever it is, unless it's from Him, it will fail you.
the world teaches us that we can't trust until someone has proved it to us. the world is wrong. God asks that you to start with trust, and when you do, He will be there.
if you haven't trusted Him before, you've never given Him an opportunity to show Himself faithful...
but then He's also never given you reason to NOT trust Him.
forget the fear and worry that you will be disappointed again, because you won't be.

God is faithful. only TRUST. if you've never trusted anyone in your life, not even yourself, trust HIM.

something that is worth everything, is going to cost everything. your whole heart.

if you have experienced this, and you do know the Lord, i pray this will encourage you to always go to Him first. with EVERYTHING.
God loves to be involved in the details of our lives.
and when we can give Him those little things, He can use them to build our trust in His faithfulness.
and giving Him the bigger things will become easier.

TRUST.
from a worldly perspective, it's a scary thing.
from a Godly perspective, it's the safest.

God loves you with an EVERLASTING love. and He's infinite. which means His love never fails, and it never runs out...