M.I.A

so...i am home. not that anyone would REALLY know because i have been in hiding. :)

it's a strange thing being back. no nepal. no horns blowing, no dogs barking, no one is around-everyone's at work, there is snow, not dust, and there is not nearly enough tea to drink...

i'd say that culture shock has hit me a little...things are SO different. as expected. but i didn't think it would be this different.
it's taken me a few days to actually realize that it's over, that those last six months actually DID happen, and that life as usual will continue.

i feel like i'm at the side of a busy highway trying to find the right spot to fit into the fast flow of everyone elses life, and i haven't quite figured it out yet.

of course over this time God has shown up in faithfulness and taught me more than i could ever expect. i LOVE that He does that. in my hiding, i've kinda tucked myself away into Him because it doesn't matter: me, my surroundings or my experiences, He is always my safe place. my refuge. my rest.

during worship one time in my lecture phase of dts, God gave me a vision...

He was standing before me, and i was trying to run to Him, but there were all these hooks in my back with ropes attached, pulling me back.
He called to me, "come here" and i kept saying, "i can't. it's too hard. i can't."
so He grabbed my hand...and started pulling me close to Him. as He did, His hand swept over my back and cut off all the things that were pulling me away. not only was i released from those things, He was drawing me deeper and deeper into Him. His arms went around me almost like a wing, and i was SO close to Him that i became part of Him. i couldn't be seen anymore...all you could see was Him.

it kinda went along with the verse from psalm 91...

those who live in the shelter of the
Most High will find
rest in the shadow of the
Almighty.
this i declare about my Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place
of safety;
He is my God, and i trust Him...

He will cover you with His feathers.
He will shelter you with His wings.
His faithful promises are your armor
and protection...

it was really huge that God reminded me of that again. so often i rush to get out and DO things. so often i run blindly into situations thinking that i have the answers, and more, the strength to face whatever comes my way. so this time has been one to remind me that ISN'T the case. the only way i can actually do things, and do them in fullness, is to operate out of a place of intimacy with Jesus.

it's in my quiet place with Him that He stirs passion. it's in the secret place that He reveals His heart. there He renews me, strengthens me, and imparts wisdom. there He opens my eyes to HIS vision. there He shows me HIS face.

life will always go on "as usual" around us. things will always SEEM to much to handle at times. but God is SO much more than any of that, and all we need to do is get before Him. all we need to do is place Him above all else. sit at His feet. escape to that secret place. and do it out of true LOVE for Him...

and how faithful He is...

life just seems to fall into place. worries fade. strength and courage are found. lessons are learned. life is FULL, because God is in control.

we are told we should be "anxious for nothing" (phil 4:6) and when we really think about what that means and who God is, we know it is so true.
how can we be anxious? how can we be full of worry when we are in His presence...in that secret place? there is no room for anything else when we understand with our HEARTS: His love, His plans, and His way (jer 29:11)

i'm at a point right now, where i am not sure of what i am stepping into. i don't have a plan for what's next, and i'm not sure what things are supposed to look like...to most that would seem completely unreasonable and NOT possible.
to me, it's the only alternative.
God knows my heart. He knows my life - start to finish. and all i know of my time is that it WILL be spent with Him. loving Him and knowing Him more. He'll tell me where i need to be, and what my next step is. He has a plan...and it's WAY more than anything i could ever imagine.

so it's His. ALL His...
where He leads me, i will follow...