this is kind of a painful post...just because i have had realization of how much i have grieved my Father God.
it's amazing how easy it is to get caught up in the world...subtle little things that seem like nothing can VERY quickly turn into huge walls, me on one side, God on the other...
i feel like i need to share this to be accountable and just really to get it out so it's dealt with. lately i have allowed myself to lose focus. i'm not really sure why...but i have found that once the foot's in the door...it's hard to shut again.
on the youth retreat jer spoke about the things in our life that start coming between us and God, and how they are not necessarily sin...but they lead to sin, which takes away our identity, and seperates us from Him.
And it almost seemed like right after that, everything from my old self came pouring back into my life in full force. and i tried to fight it out...and even work a balance between the two. doesn't happen. the whole "being in the world but not of it" doesn't work so well when you're weak to the temptation from a recent past.
little things can really turn into BIG problems, thankfully i can see that...and as diappointed i am in myself, i am so thankful for the work that God has done in my heart, because i know that i am changed. although the temptation is there and i have struggled...i have such conviction and desire to be right with God...i feel completely lost and have to come running back. thankfully, He offers such compassion and forgiveness...
that is one realization i have had...NOTHING COMPARES TO HIM! nothing nothing nothing. after trying to fill my life with anything other than God, and then finally accepting Him and realizing the fullness and meaning of life in Him, everything else falls short. and it's not that i don't struggle sometimes, because obviously i do...but when looking at it, i could never pass up the life i have in Christ for a fleeting good time. its like the whole king solomon thing. he tried to fill his life with anything and everything to find happiness...but without God, it was all "meaningless, a chasing of the wind". (ecclesiastes)
God forgive me...
forgive me for thinking that i should depend on what the world has for me. forgive me for letting bits of my old self creep back into my life. forgive me for being a hyporcrite, and for bringing down Your name.
i am so thankful that He is a gracious God, that He loves me even when i am unlovable. i don't deserve Him, and He deserves so much more than what i give Him, but He loves me. I'm thankful for His hand of discipline in my life, and that He's not just going to leave me here. The changes in my heart are real, and true, and permanent...and He's only just begun His work...
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amen, to your post, as hard as it was for you to write it, AMEN. and i mean that. God is moving in your life, and that you are so sensitive to each thing in terms of conviction. Ask the Lord to 'up the anty' or whatever they say lol... LORD, continue Your awesome work in Jessica's life. Open her spirit to such new and wonderful things in her spirit that rivers of life will flow out of her! -- got your email too. i'll reply to that as well when i have time. they are on strike with the union at work... so we are still working but they've totally changed our shifts around. -quite interesting. so i may not have weekends off now. yup, we'll get together sometime. food and coffee and chit chat! and i may be free for the potato fest. sounds like starchy good fun (haha). talk to you soon.
You must relaize that slipping is part of life and thats how we become stronger and come to have a greater appriciation for the postive things we have in life. Whatever that keepin real may be to you...
One.
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